It's all too much

It is all too much and i just dont think i can hold on much longer, my health is deteriating (awful spelling i know) and i just cant get up and get going, i am now struggling to get through a whole day of work, i am begining to wonder if i have chronic fatigue or something, will have to do a bit more research into this and see what the doctor thinks. I am still at work on average until late at night and starting an hour before everyone else just to get it all done. My desk looks like a bomb has hit it and the work keeps piling up. I try and schedule some down time each day where i can get paperwork done but that is just not happening, hence my late hours to get it done. I have several matters in court at the moment and several reports that i am expected to write, all of which take days to do, and there are legal time lines that we have to adhere to as well. I am debating at the moment just how much i love my job.... Am thinking perhaps i need a new job - at the supermarket or something where no one will bother me and i can be a zombie like most other people there and just do my job and go home, maybe i can even stack shelves for a living that will be at night when it is shut even better!!! Then i wont have to talk to anyone either.
The wedding is 23 sleeps away, believe it or not i just had to look that up on the calender to find out when it was, someone asked me the other day when i was getting married and i was not able to tell them as i couldnt remember. I just dont know what is going on with me - maybe deep down i just dont want to get married. I am sure i have turned into bridzilla or something and i am just horrible to everyone and have no compassion at the moment at all. I am not even excited or looking forward to it. I am just concentrating on how much bloody money i have spent on the silly thing, all for one day!!! there would have been enough for a deposit on one maybe two houses i think, but now, 23 days away from my wedding, i have come to the sudden realisation that i will be able to afford my wedding with everything that my future husband has wanted and i will have $5 left in my account, that is all $5 lousy bucks. And on that $5 i am going to have to spend 10 days in tasmania, we have requested people put money into our honeymoon as we dont require anything for the house - i have every house hold item several times over i think.... Tim spoke to the travel agent today and picked up our tickets and schedule and provided our details so that the money can be deposited into our account on the Monday after the wedding, to which the travel agent said "now dont stress there is nothing there yet, but people usually leave this until the last few weeks".... "LAST FEW WEEKS" bugger me i thought that is what i was in now, given that i have only 23 more sleeps until the silly day is over i would have thought that clasified.
On top of that i thought i would apply for a cridit card just to create a bit of a buffer for me and make me feel a bit more comfortable about the whole $5 issue, and that got declined, something to do with the car loan that i dont pay, Tim does, but because my name is on there they said no.

I just cant do it anymore and i really dont want to either.

Bec

The week that was.... gone

Well, what can i say it has been a big week and i dont know where to start, i think i will start back with the tragic tuesday where i left off last week. As i mentioned i had an awful day and discovered i had "found" a cm or two i didnt realise i had been looking for them, but they turned up. Anyhow, i pulled my finger out and opted for clean eats for the rest of the week and achieved this mini goal, i was very proud of myself that i was able to achieve this, as my enthusiasm for exercise and clean eatting has been low. I have been trying as often as i can to get to the gym, this also has been a bit of a struggle as i just dont have the energy, everyone is putting it down to wedding issues and concerns - but i know it is not anything to do with that. So i get to the gym when i can, i would like to think that it has been because of the wedding stuff that i am so tired which means that it will all be over in 3 and a bit weeks and i can get back to normal and enjoy my exercise....
I have been so tired as i just mentioned lately that it has become a bit worrying. I have been and had tests, and tests and more tests done in the hope that something will be discovered and somone can tell me what is going on. They have given me a few possibilites, one of which was my implant which has since been taken out and i am hoping my hormone levels will sort themselves out soon. In addition to that they are checking my iron levels and they are also checking on my thyroid and for celieac's desease, which is an alergy to wheat - i dont think this would be the case as i dont really eat bread or starchy food.

Ok now that i have gotten over all my health issues, i think i have been bitten by a spider.... I hate spiders and think they are just creepy, but for the last 5 days i have had this thing on my leg and it has been itchy as hell - definately not a mozzie bite, it is red and nasty and the skin is starting to dry and peal around it and i am having a bit of a rash thing around the area. I am just looking at this and waiting to see what is going on - again something that could be affecting my energy levels. I have discovered that my house and garden has lots of spiders, i found a big nasty spider in the garden the other day, it is even smart enough to cover itself with a rock!!! i got rid of the rock and filled it's hole with water, as it turns out the spider was either not home or can hold his breath in boiling water!!!! as i came back later to find his hole dug again and his rock back in place, so i found some surface spray and filled the hole with that, i have not seen the spider since and that rock has not moved.

On a good note i am going house hunting this weekend, i am turning my energy towards something else now that the wedding is almost done, we are looking at building a house which will be great, i cant wait - hopfully if we get something we like we can look at being in by christmas this year.....

Wedding plans are coming along well, and are almost complete just the final touches ie: the nails and the spray tan along with the fur removal (wax) oh and pay for a few last things *sigh* why is everything about money!!!....

Bye for now
Bec

Tragic Tuesday

I am having a very up and down week - i am all over the place.... After having a Mad Monday and feeling sore from bootcamp i thought the best idea would be to go skiing. This was a great idea until i come off, badly... very very badly. To the point where i thought i had poped my wet suit i came off that hard... needless to say i now have some very special bruises on my rib cage where the padding on my suit goes. It hurts to cough and laugh, i am contemplating if i might have even cracked a rib. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow to check on why i might be so exhausted so i might get that looked at as well. It is hard to imagine how when we were out skiing on Monday after work that no less than 2 hours later there was a wild storm that hit parts of town - i cant find any pics to put up, but it was very impressive!!! I was looking at the wind thinking my car is going to be blown away, it was really quite concerning, then the rain started and the thunder and lightning. It was great watching the "show" only until a lightning bolt hit the shead accross the road from where we were, i would guess at less than 15m away. There was a huge crack and everything went blue and pink, but the worst thing was that i felt the warmth from this on my legs... I decided i had enough of watching and scurried back to the safety of the shead i was in.
This was all fine and good but Tuesday rocked around and i was trying on my wedding dress again as there had been further alterations made - and i was feeling pretty good about myself thinking i looked great in my dress and it was very slimming and the rest of that, so i got home and announced to Tim that i would like my measurements taken again as i had not had them done since the 01/02/07.... I decided i didnt like them and i dont know what is going on, i guess i have been cheating myself out of too many meals... *sigh* i can only blame myself, i have gained a cm in my chest, i cant work this out as i am positive my breasts are looking smaller - Tim assures me they are, i am guessing this is due to my back getting bigger, or am i just fooling myself? then i found that i have an extra cm on my waist and an extra cm on my hips.... I have no justification in relation to this... I dont know what i can do other than keep on pushing and tidy up my act - i cant afford to get any bigger or i wont fit in my dress - it fits like a glove as it is.

So there is nothing less to say other than i have had a tragic tuesday.....

Bec
xoxo

Zombie

I feel like a zombie today, it is unbelieveable. I dont know what to talk about first, I think i shal start with the fantastic efforts that Jodie, Sue and I done at our boot camp session on Sunday. I had some extra time in the morning and i thought i would throw in a chest/tri session with a few crunches and some time on the stepper for good measure. I was impressed with my chest, but the whole time i was thinking this is going to hurt tomorrow. But i got through Machine Chest Press at 12 x 30kg, and then 10 x 35kg and then 2 x 8 at 40kg. I think that was the splits but i will check next time and write them down i think. I then went and done some incline press and got through 3 x 10 at 6kg and then one drop set at 4kg and got out about 18 reps before my arms would not lift any more. Then i had to do dumbell fly at 12 x 5kg then 10 x 6kg 8 x 8kg at this time i felt that i couldnt possibly do anymore, the whole lot of my DB fly i could feel my muscles in my chest shaking and they were actually visably moving each press.... I thought that this was enough and thank goodness i didnt have to do anymore. I then got stuck into my tri's and that was not that much better, they were a bit of an effort and got in some crunches and had 20 min left before boot camp started to i thought i would do some stairs - oh well i will get fit if it is the end of me.
Boot camp was a lot of fun but i thouhgt i was a bit un-co we set up 7 steps and then walked on our hands around them, toe taps and then some leaps and then some crab crawly things and then some cardio mixed in and some pop squats (maybe that is what is making my rear so sore) i was puffing by the end and then managed to get through some crunches... Phew i am puffed again thinking of it.
Never the less i am pretty bloody sore today - ever muscles in my back is aching and then my tri's and my chest and i think about using a granny rail to get up off my chair, everyone else is laughing at me.
But the best bit is, i had a dress fitting and my dress maker stated that she thinks i have lost a bit of weight this week since having the dress cut as it has needed to be taken in a bit, not much but a bit - enough for me to be bragging about it!! My dress is beautiful and very flattering, my mum and Tim's mum love it and they think i look just beautiful - every bride always does thou.... But i think it is very slimming and because i have opted to wear some taller shoes the whole look is very effective - i look talk and thin... Pretty good for someone who is only 5ft 4" I cant wait for it all to be done. After the fitting we went to a bridal expo and picked out some stuff that i want, things keep adding up... I have now bought a heap of glass lanterns that my candels are going in, will look beautiful i am sure. I have all my RSVP's back and we have 70 guests including Tim and myself... so now i just need to arrange the dinner reservations and menu, finish paying off the photographer, order the table placements, pay the church, and have my hair and make up done on the day and all the little fiddlie things.
I got some durathon from Sue so i will see how that goes for this week.... HHUUMMM here is hoping it might pick my energy levels up a bit.

Bec
xoxo

And so it begins

I am having a great day already and it is only just 9.30. I surprised myself and managed to get up at 6.05am and drag myself off to the gym for my cardio session. I only managed this as the cat came in and wouldnt leave me alone, i think she thought i should feed her early or something. But then again i think Tim might have had words to her and told her to jump all over me just to get me to the gym.
Never the less i managed to get there with plenty of time and was on the treadie at about 6.30am and opted to do the treadmill run this morning and see how i went - i thought i was destined to be having a small heart attack after a few minutes. But i done my 5 min warm up and then spead the little beasty up to a reasonable jog that i was able to maintain - i surprised myself and was able to maintain the jog for 10 minutes, YAY for me!!! I didnt think i would even get to 3 minutes, i must be fitter than i thought, or it could have been the Robbie interview that i was watching took my mind away and allowed me to no concentrate on my aches and pains and the fact that i couldnt breathe. I got through 5 minutes and thought i am puffed but i will keep going till i feel like i am about to fall off, i got to 10 minutes and i thought my knee might callapse - i am not sure what is going on there i have never had pain in my knee before but this ended up hurting a fair bit, so i slowed to a walk again and walked for about 5 minutes to get my breath back and stop the pain.... i then managed to jog for another 8 minutes before my knee gave out on me again and walked the last few minutes to help cool down. I was impressed with myself and found that i actually loved it. Shame i dont have a treadie at home as i think i would be on it a bit more often doing a bit here and there. Might have to look at investing in one of them soon after "the wedding" though i think. I staggered off the treadie and thought my legs would not be able to support me but i stayed on my feet, and actually smiled at myself at how good i felt (if that makes sence) and thought well i have time as it was only 7.10am at this point so i thought i would torture my body a little more and throw in some abs to just make my day. I got on the little machine that does these crunch things and set it at 50lb and done 12 crunches with this, i thought this was a bit light and changed it to 60lb and found this a bit better but thought i would be able to squeeze out another 12 at 65lb - this one hurt a fair bit, but i managed to suffer through them, i was telling myself to breathe and all those good things. And then i decided i would need to do a few more so i got a 6kg DB and done some sit ups with that and a few side to side ones as well - it hurt like hell but again it didnt kill me so i figgured it cant be that bad. Tomorrow might be a different story through. But i kept having to tell myself i want to look great on my wedding day i need to keep at this.
As of tomorrow there are 5 weeks to go. I think it is still a fair way away and i am so busy paying bills and booking things. Tim on the other hand is saying it is not soon enough. Very sweet of him, but i still need more time.

Have a great weekend
Bec
xoxo

Bit sore

Well, here i was complaining in my last post that i am not happy with my chest measurements and the fact that i have large breasts. I think i must have subconciously set out to torture myself at the gym monday night. I got there after having to talk myself into going as i was just so tired (something that has been happening alot lately). But none the less my gym partner convinced me that i needed to get there, and so i successfully completed 5 minutes on the bike, and then tripped around not really following my program (bad me) but still doing some really good upper body work. I got through 3 x 12 machine assisted press (if that makes sence) at 50lb, 60lb and then back to 35lb, i was impressed that i managed to squeeze it out, i actually thought i was going to cry. Then i opted to do some ab work to save my poor body, and then went back to do some DB fly and got through 3 x 12 at 8kg in each hand. Again impressed with my strength at achieving those weights. I am sure i could get better but i will try that again next time. I shoved in some shoulder work and decided i had enough of that and was too tired to do anymore. My girlfriend was however on the bike still and announced that she wanted to get through the last 20 min of her circut that she was doing. I then decided that i would not waste my time and climbed on the eliptical for a bit of work. I got through 20 minutes of that at a pretty quick rate, churning over approx 90 rpm i think it was saying at approx level 4 on a weight buring setting and i managed to get my heart rate up to 150bpm consistantly. I was sweatting a fair bit in the end and then managed to speed up in the last few minutes - i thought i was going to fall off in the end i was that exhausted but i didnt, however i could not walk all that well in the end when i got off i was having a bit of a leg fatigue where i couldnt feel my legs much at all. Good feeling and i was a bit excited to have gotten to that point.

Which leads me to the pain i was feeling in my chest yesterday, i have never experienced DOMS in my chest before so i was a bit surprised and excited about that. And found it a bit insirational and so i am looking forward to my next chest and shoulder work out to see if i can get there again. But i had to try and get through a game and a half of netball.... To run was an effort in itself, as you all know running causing my breasts to move causing more pain, but then to have to jump and raise my arms and catch the ball. I tired to avoid this as much as possible, but still got it done. Perhaps the best thing i could have done really as today i am feeling good and not sore at all.

And then today i checked out Carolyn's blog and saw that she had posted some before and after pics of herself, and wow she looked good and so now i am all excited to get to the gym tonight to torture myself all over again!!!! I have signed up to do bootcamp with Sue and Jodie this weekend at the gym, it will be good and i am so looking forward to it. For some reason today i have found a new lease on my program, maybe it is cos i have realised i dont have much time before the wedding but i will try try and try harder to achieve some great results in that time.

Have spoken to Michelle and Sue and Michelle suggested some durathon to help with my lack of motivation and exhaustion i am experiencing. Sue thinks it might be a stress related thing with the wedding - which i could very well understand (see previous posts) so i am going to give that a try and see how i go with that mix and hope that it gives me a bit more of a kick!!!.

I think that is enough for today and i will have my rant about Valentines day tomorrow.... I cant stand it!!! (and that is being nice)

Bec
xoxo

I just dont know

Just quickly before i start everything else - this here is a pic of me on my hen's nite playing "pin the dick on Tim" that was my very poor effort, if it makes any of you feel any better Tim's mother won out of about 22 people....

What more can i say, I just dont know.... I dont know how i am feeling at the moment, i have so much running through my head i feel like i am running a constant marrithon and i cant stop even though my brain and body is screaming at me to stop. Firstly (this will be a long post i think) i think i will start with boobs, you either have them or you dont, you either want them or want to get rid of them.... I am in the box of wanting to get rid of them, I try and try and try again to do anything to get them smaller but for some reason it does not work, i thought it was working well, and after this many weeks of exercising and straining my little body out and measureing myself and thinking i was loosing around the chest, i then go to get my wedding dress made only to be told that i have not lost any around the chest from my last measurement (for the dress) in October last year, and i think the comment was that "you will never loose off that" I understand that i have big boobs and that is a family curse, but i have been talking for some time about a breast reduction and i am still condidering it some more!!!!

I love Tim's family, i think they are fantastic, but i feel like the expect so much from me and i guess by extention us as a couple. Especially when it comes to "the wedding" oh my goodness i have never felt so lost for words in my life.... Tim and i made the decision to not have children at the wedding (assise from my nephew's and Tim's niece, as they are our page boys and flower girl), as we worked out if we starting inviting one child we have to invite them all, and all means that we will have approx 35 - 45 other people there and the most of them will be under the age of 5 and all of them under the age of 8. The venue that we have are not serving children's meals so therefore we would have to pay for all these children to eat an adults meal that they wont like and more than likely wont eat anyway. All of Tim's cousins have children, they are great people and great kids, but as mentioned there will be too many. But they have all gotten upset and complained that we are having our niece and nephew's there and not their children, as they have to find baby sitters and this and that... Honestly most parents, well all of the poeople on my side of the family are all looking forward to the opportunity to have a night off without the kids!!!... So they (tim's family) are all out of sorts, they have calmed down now but still i think it is an issue. Then there is the option of having a tab on the bar or not having a tab on the bar. I should mention at this point that Tim and I are paying for this whole wedding ourselves without asking anything from either of our families.... So we have decided that we will not be putting a tab on the bar that people can pay for their own drinks, this i guess has come down to cost - weddings are expensive, even when you do most things yourself. I cant really justify spending $2000 on a tab on a bar when people are obviously going to poor it down their throat, i would rather spend that on my honeymoon!!!! Instead we have opted to give our guests a bottle of wine that is approx 185ml which would equate to about 2 standard drinks, we are getting our own labels made with the date of our wedding and our names and to say thank you and everything. I thought this would be a good idea and a nice guesture. It seems that people are also expecting a tab and are disappointed that there is not one... I cant win!!!!

Just a quick update on the rest of my 7th week, I didnt really do much, a bit bad of me really, but honestly i felt so exhaused from the ear infection. But anyway i have organised myself and am feeling much better this week, and the ear is almost fixed i think.... Took a couple of trips to the doc to get it right though. I didnt get back to the gym again for the weekend (boo hiss - am telling myself off) on the other hand i slept, i seem to be sleeping so much at the moment it is really not healthy i dont think at all. I have a few questions for you which is why i am writting, oh i forgot to mention i had great eats for the weekend though and ate really clean and healthy, grilled chicken and salad a new fav, with a little bit of balsalmic on there for taste.
Anyway my couple of questions entail what can i do to stop being so tired, it is out of control i am constantly tired, i am eating well and trying to exercise but sometimes i am just so exhausted my body will not allow me to do anything, it is starting to really get me down and i am feeling a bit miserable about it.....
And the other thing is everyone here at work eats like horses it is really quite bad, they constantly say they are on diets and cant understand my eating program, and as a result constantly have potato chips and lollies lying around the desk, i have told them that i wont eat them (well i try) and remind them i have a wedding dress to wear but i guess what i am looking for is perhaps a healthy substitude that i couple perhaps have sitting on my desk that if i have to nibble i can and it will be something worth while.....
Will have to cut out my alcohol intake as well, that has crept up a bit too much i think for my liking - i am having a bit of a woe is me really aint i.... On a good note, i got measured again for my wedding dress on the weekend, my chest has not changed (cant understand that, maybe i gained weight and then lost it and have gained it back again - a bit silly i know) but they were most impressed with my waist, and so am i, i suppose, but they announced that i had lost 3 inches off my waist since they measured me last, which was a while ago but i will accept that anyway, a loss is a loss. But it has also disappointed me a bit that i dont know what is going on with my body, i have hit a platau, although i should blame myself for poor eating and drinking and not exercising as much as i should.... OH well not much i can do, and i still have 5 weeks and 4 days until the wedding, so still some time i guess......
Talk soon
Bec

Am so sore

Oh my gosh I am so so very sore!!!! i went skiing last night with some of Tim's friends and we had a blast but at the same time i am aching today, my back and shoulders and bi's are just pumping.
We all had a go in the biskit, and my goodness Trevor (Tim's mate) can fly with the boat and you feel like not much is touching the water. We got that over and done with, and i somehow managed to stay in the biskit, i think that was by pure luck as opposed to good management thou, as Trevor's wife was on the other biskit and we spent a fair bit of time bumping each other and over the waves. I shake my head just thinking about it really. But then to watch Trevor driving with one of the other boys on the biskit was worse, he had the boat flat out and doing donuts in the water and poor rowie was left to hang on, i dont know how he stayed on there really, the biskit had literaly left the water and the only thing that was in it was his foot.
Once we got that over and done with we decided that we would have a go at the knee board, i have not been on one for quite some time and Kristie has not been on one before, so we were teaching her and i was trying to remember what i was meant to be doing. I was impressed with myself that i managed to get up first go - from the bank i might add so it was not that hard... Happy enough with that, but between Kristie and I we managed to bump each other and i feel off. Kristie somehow stayed on there but fell off after wards. I then successfully managed to start from the middle of the river and pull myself up from my stomach onto my knees.... So I am a bit impressed with myself, even more impressive was the fact that everyone made comment that i must have strong muscles to get up... AND the best thing was they said you could see my muscles pumping....

YAY for me